Theme: “My Sacrifice” By: Creed
Quote: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss
“So... Yes, I just started a sentence off in a way that is horrible grammatically. However That’s the point. This blog should have good grammar, but it also should be written in a way that if you talked to me in person, you would realize this is how I actually talk, but I digress.
As I was saying; So, it’s been a ridiculous amount of time since I wrote on this blog. I have let life’s struggles and battles steal my peace, my joy, my passion and my purpose. I could make a bunch of excuses, but that’s beside the point. It took a while for me to listen to God and come back. I kept ‘waiting to feel it’. I realized that day wasn’t really going to come. Every day I felt the urge to write, I was too tired. The days I found time to write, I had no drive or ideas. Even this is not as well thought out or planned as my first two blogs.
Even though I have a few topics to write on and some roughly scratched out things in the works. I needed to start this year’s first blog off with me being real. I saw no comments and even though I said I didn’t care if anyone read it. Obviously I do. I figured ‘What’s the point?’ and put it off. Never mind that writing gives me life. I feel charged and strengthened when I write. I never seem to think or see things as clearly as I do when I’m allowed to write without a specific agenda, but just sharing my heart, thoughts and even fears.
Future blogs may be full of controversy, my own personal perspectives and research, how I view the world or even poetry. This is why I will now post a poem I wrote during my ‘Silent period’.
“Broken Pieces:
My heart is broken, 1000 pieces on the floor
Words unspoken, I can’t do this anymore
Pain to real, fears too strong
I want to heal, need to belong
The ache of loneliness, yet a need to hide
What is the point? Why do I have this inside?
Though they listen, I still feel misunderstood
Upside down and backwards, can’t tell bad from good
The pain of a breaking heart
Has become my anthem and casting part.
Without this, breaking numbness seems to remain
Then I sink, deeply down a drain
Help me God, what’s wrong with me?
Why am I so broken? How can this be?
How do I love when I feel like I’m dead.
How can this world be inside my head?
Fear and worry, anxiety and grief
Are the demons that haunt every belief.
I trust in you, yet still I fall.
Desperate for, my all in all.
I want to quit, I want to flee.
Why do I avoid, what can save me?
To run away from what can set me free?
From the One and the people that can help me to fight?
To at last stand in the light, and not fear the loss of my might
Oh death thy sting is really nothing,
Oh grave you are not that brave.
Why God do I feel so deep?
Why is it worse when I try to sleep?
These words and emotions come, I wear them well.
That is to say, I’m being put through hell.
Am I doing things wrong, am I too blind to see?
Have I been deceived, and can’t comprehend thee?
I just need a word, one that says I’m sane, that way I can hold on to it again and again.
I know I’m loved, chosen and free.
Yet these chains still chafe me.
This thorn in my side, your Grace does heal.
But in honesty, there are times I wonder if it’s real.
I wish I believed, Wished I trusted.
Wish I could oil the heart that is rusted.
I need to believe and yet I doubt, but I want to so please help me out?
I will try to let You do your part, and quit trying to repair my own heart.
This ache inside, these burning tears.
Sooth the scares and wash over these years.
Am I fixed? Can I stand?
No, I’m just me. Lend me a hand…
-GWKim”
This is me in a very raw state, I shared my heart, my feelings and pain in that moment of time. It is a snap shot into my very heart, soul and mind. Many called it beautiful, many congratulated me on being so open, and a few reached out. They had meals and talked with me. Then of course there were those one or two people that had something negative to say.
I understand their hearts, but correcting, pointing out what’s wrong or what is not ‘theologically’ accurate is not what I needed to hear. When you share your heart and soul it’s not based on scientific facts and historical accuracy. It’s not a matter of doctrine or criminal intent. It is feelings expressed in a way that is pure and true in the moment that they were expressed. They shouldn’t be held against a person, but taken as a simple expression. Like a work of art, a song, etc...
I wanted to cry, but while I was in the shower praying. Replaying what happened and why it hurt. I heard a simple yet profound statement come from deep within. ‘It hurts because you were vulnerable.’ All at once it hit me, my personal development had said continually, “Get better at being vulnerable.’, “Share and be real”. This was a victory. It wouldn’t have hurt unless I had been vulnerable, I took a risk to expose my heart and that means I may get hurt, but I could smile.
In a way I think this may be why I haven’t come back until now. I was afraid of the backlash, of the judgment, mean comments and accusing fingers that may come my way. However, I believe that every single person is so wonderfully made, so unique and beautiful that to hide that true self is a disservice for not only the whole world, but to themselves as well. So no matter how hard, I seek to share. To be real. I pray I’m strong enough to laugh and rejoice when others have something ‘negative’ to say, because I know that it’s my personal act of stepping out in faith and sharing in the purest and truest way I can share. In writing.”